Single Phobia

Single phobia

Everyone knows someone who flits from one relationship to the next, who’ll finish with one partner only when they’ve got another one lined up, and who haven’t slept alone since 1998. Well, believe it or not, there’s an official name for the fear of the terrifyingly exotic world of singledom: anuptaphobia. You can even be treated for it in extreme circumstances.
But what is it about the single life that makes some people run frantically from one long term relationship to the next, or worse, believe that a bad relationship is better than none at all?

No one to cuddle at night
Those who are used to a bed companion find it hard to envisage life without one. A bed friend certainly has its advantages – especially in the chilly climes of winter when you have a human hot water bottle that doesn’t need preparing and remains warm throughout the night.
Some singlephobics even report not being able to sleep if their partner’s away for the night. We say buck up your ideas and recognise the advantages, and these are plentiful: no extra noise (be that snoring, heavy breathing or flatulence), no duvet hogging, and the total freedom to commit these antisocial acts yourself

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Get your cuddles elsewhere – parents, friends, even work colleagues. If you’re feeling brave, why not give the surly guy on security a squeeze, you may even elicit a smile (out of sheer terror if nothing else). Scientific research even shows that hugs have health benefits such as reducing blood pressure and alleviating stress. In short, restricting yourself to just one hugging companion is actually bad for your health.

No automatic plus ones
For a lot of people a partner is a social crutch – the one you automatically drag along to parties, family engagements and dinners. They are your excuse to leave early and your chaperone home when you’ve had a bit too much to drink. If you’re used to this form of instant company wherever you go, it can be an utterly terrifying prospect to go it alone.

But how many times have you gone to a party and been lazy about chatting to new people because you already have someone there? Singledom allows a social freedom that is as exciting as it is scary, but it shouldn’t be phobia worthy.

Lack of completeness
For some permapartner advocates, it’s as though we were designed to cope with life autonomously until adulthood, at which point our coping resources run out and we need someone else to make up the deficit. And to think all those poor single people having to cope with the daily onslaught of decision making all on their own like what colour toilet paper to buy and what their opinion is on the current state of the world.

These people tend to be the biggest ‘we’ offenders too. ‘We love the Algarve’, ‘we’re giving up alcohol for a month’. For these people being single is a tragic and evolutionarily defunct state of being. We think this is a bit silly.

It’s hard to find someone else
For some people, the fear of loneliness trumps all other valid reasons for getting out of a bad relationship. Most of us have probably experienced this to a greater or lesser degree – sticking with a relationship that’s going nowhere and justifying how bad it makes us feel by somehow convincing ourselves that the alternative – singledom, and the scary prospect of how long it will take for the next partner comes along – is enough reason to plough on.

In fact there’s nothing quite so powerful as the loneliness that can be experienced in a loveless/destructive/dysfunctional relationship, and being able to recognise this is a bigger challenge than the seemingly terrifying prospect of finding someone else.

All friends are in couples
If you’ve been with your partner for a while then often your social life tends to evolve into a couple-fest of double dates or, at best, activities that to cater best for couples. Your partner gets on well with such-and-such’s partner, and everything is convenient and cosy, so much so that ending a relationship means more than just splitting up with someone, it’s potentially pulling down your group’s social structure at its foundations.

Scary stuff? Not really. Social groups evolve to suit its constituent parts. Being newly single will make you approach friendships differently. |Looking outside of the couples’ bubble means you are no longer looking for couple compatibility, it’s about your interests and opinions. And you’ll probably find yourself getting to see a new and interesting side to your old friends too.

People will wonder what’s wrong with you
There’s nothing worse than someone in a relationship asking you why you’re single. It makes you feel instantly inferior, judged and ready for the leper colony. It also requires you to come up with some sort of plausible answer and as you scan your brain for a suitable response, inevitably all your old insecurities (too fat/crap in bed/halitosis) pop up to say hello. And before you know it you’re apologising for your marital status and promising to try harder.

But judgement on this scale really is in the eye of the beholder. Ultimately it is up to you how much other people’s opinion effects how you feel about your situation.

The L-word

“I love you.” They may look little, but they’re the three biggest words in the English language.

They carry a lot on their shoulders. Say them at the right time, and it’s bliss. But blurt them out too soon, and it’s deeply uncomfortable – and it may kill a fledgling relationship.

Their absence can weigh heavy, too. If you’re in a relationship that seems happy, secure, exciting and serious (or getting that way), but your man can’t or won’t say “I love you,” it’s frustrating. It can also make you feel very insecure.

If it’s any consolation, every newly-coupled man and woman is scared of the L word. Read on to find out why, and what to do about it.


1. Don’t jump too soon

When you get together with a man, those first few weeks are an ecstatic whirlwind of lust and goo-goo-eyes. You’re high as a kite. He is perfect. You’re bursting to say “I love you”.

Take a tip: shut up. Here’s why:


Oh, the shame…

If you’ve ever said it to someone who didn’t feel the same way, you’ll curl up in shame at the memory. You said: “I love you,” and your new boyfriend said: “what? Oh…”. He knew that it was too soon; and suddenly you did, too.
Point of no return
This awful moment is all the worse for being a point of no return. You sound desperate and rob yourself of dignity. It’s a serious passion-killer, and kills the momentum between you. In other words, you’ve strangled your relationship at birth.


Rose-tinted specs

If you think he’s perfect, you know it’s too soon to say you’re in love. You’re infatuated with him, so you can’t see his faults. Only when you know and accept his faults can you be sure that you love him.


Embrace your lust

In the early weeks of a relationship, you want to spend 24 hours a day having sex and/or gazing into his eyes and/or nuzzling his armpit. You’re in giddy, besotted lust – and lucky you! Embrace it, because it doesn’t last long. Don’t spoil it by blurting out “love”.


2. How to time it right


Count to three

Leave it until you’ve been dating for at least three months. By this time, the druggy high is wearing off and you know that it’s not just a fling. You also know each other better, which means that you’re idealising each other a little less.


Five is the magic number

Waiting five or even six months to say “I love you” may seem like a stretch, but it shows that you really mean it. Your man will know you’ve really given it thought. You know him very well now, so saying “I love you” for the first time is a huge compliment.


Give things a boost

Leaving it this long also helps your relationship move on. By the six-month stage, you may start to mourn the loss of that early pie-eyed magic. Hearing “I love you” for the first time takes your relationship to a new stage in a way that it could never do on date number three.


3. How (not) to say it


Business time

Don’t say “I love you” for the first time just after sex. Or, needless to say, while you’re mid-way through the deed. You’re giddy and sexed-up and not exactly clear in the head. When a man says “I love you” during sex, he generally means: “Oooh I love that…”


Boozy blurting

Don’t blurt it out when you’re drunk, at least not the first time. Drunken “I love you”s are best left to beer-swilling mates who’ve got Carlsberg dribbling down their T-shirts.


Up close and personal

Say it in person. Your first “I love you” is a big moment and should be accompanied by at least some chance of eye contact and canoodling. After that, it’s fine to utter the L word by phone, text or whatever.


Do you…?

Don’t ask if they love you back. “I love you… do you love me too?” makes you sound insecure, and is bound to lead to an awkward moment. Let him say it if he wants to

When he won’t say it

He may be terrified of making a fool of himself. If you’ve been together a while, don’t be scared to say it first. But if he never says it at all (the “I shouldn’t have to say it, you should know” brigade), he may not be emotionally literate enough for you. Who needs a dinosaur who can’t express his feelings?


The coward’s option

If you’re itching to say it and you think the time is right, but you’re not sure that it’s reciprocated, say: “I think I may be falling for you.” If he gets an “eek” look in his eyes, cut your losses. Say “…but you know, I’m just not sure what I want.” And run for your life.